Misconceptions about Narcissism -- They Know What They Are Doing

That narcissists know what they are doing is one of the most persistent of misconceptions, and it's very easy to understand why this misconception exists. First of all, when we are badly hurt, it's natural to become angry, and look for a target for that anger.  Narcissists indeed to very hurtful things, so it's natural to be angry at the person hurting us.

We somehow feel it's wrong to be angry at others, so we look for justifications for that anger. In reality, that they do hurtful things is enough, but the rationalization is more complete if they are knowingly seeking to hurt us. In general, if we can attribute a morally unsound attitude to an act, that makes the act more heinous, and gives us more justification for our anger.

For example, if someone cuts us off in traffic, this provokes a response of anger in many drivers, present company not excepted.  However, if the person acted unintentionally, and that was our perception, we would feel much less anger, perhaps none at all, because who of us has not accidentally acted similarly? But if the person did so intentionally, and we picture ourselves as not one who would intentionally do such a thing (very possibly accurately), that makes it easier to justify our feelings of anger.

It's interesting psychologically that we seek to justify our anger, as anger often needs no such justification, as it's often simply an involuntary response to our not being able to perform a task we intended to.  For example, we might get angry at a door that's stuck that won't open.

I don't want to get too far off on a tangent, but I think the above is relatable enough to make the point that we get angry, and seek justification to ourselves for our negative feelings, and the worse in our minds that another is acting, the better for us, as we internally rationalize things.  It should go without saying that all this is unconscious.  We don't think about these things as they happen, and rarely even afterwards, unless we went overboard and try to figure out why.

So one reason is related to our being angry at another and wanting to justify our anger.

A second reason is that if we, or someone like us, a "normal" person, were to do such things as narcissists do, we would know what we were doing, as any "normal" person would, and it's very natural to ascribe normal behavior to others as we judge them and their motives.

However, narcissists are anything but normal, and they are not aware of what they do, at least not in the sense that non-narcissists would think of it -- more about this later.

Finally a third reason victims think narcissists know what they are doing, in the sense of knowing it is wrong, is they take actions to hide their behavior.  That this indicates they know they are doing wrong is a natural conclusion, but its' the wrong conclusion.  The right conclusion is that the narcissist knows that *you* think what they did is wrong, and they are seeking to avoid the consequences of getting caught.   Wanting to avoid the consequences of a behavior does not imply the actor thinks what they is wrong, and narcissists never think what they do is wrong.

That narcissists never think they are doing something wrong is the more referred to above.  Not being at fault, not doing something for which they are to blame, is a core feature of the narcissist psyche.  This merits a post of its own, but for this one, anyone with experience with a narcissist knows they don't accept blame for anything, even trivial things.  Why is this?  Because that would imply, to them, that there was something wrong with them, and the whole facade is built to avoid such revelations.

I find it interesting that people will be so adamant that the narcissist knows what they are doing, when, again, anyone with experience with one knows they will go to any length imaginable to avoid taking the blame.  They'll deny the event happened.  They'll "forget" it happened.  They'll misremember it.  They'll point out you've done worse things.  They'll blame you for it.  Or they may even say something nonsensical, such as someone from outer space did it.  They'll do anything but take the blame for it.

Why do they go to such lengths?  Because they cannot admit to themselves they did wrong.  They don't have the capacity to repair shame.  This is at the heart of the condition, and also merits its own post.

But to bring this one to an end, the lengths they go to prove they are not in the wrong demonstrates they not only do not know they did wrong, they do not even think it.

(The above discussion assumes the "narcissist" has narcissistic personality disorder without antisocial personality disorder comorbidities, as the above observations may not hold in this case.)